it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize