I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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