Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize