i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
