Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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