do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Randomize
