You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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