There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
