he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
