More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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