Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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