This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
