When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
