I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
