I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
