Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
