I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
