my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
