I wish I could punch you in the face.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
