nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
