just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
