We're like a lot better than the average bears
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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