you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
