hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
