When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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