I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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