How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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