your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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