On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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