break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
