i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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