I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
