Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm just crazy horny about you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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