I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
