oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
