I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize