My room smells like vodka and shame
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
