she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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