Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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