There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
