if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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