Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
