captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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