I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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