dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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