Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
