it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
