I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
