Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
