im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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