My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
