none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
