Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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