God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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