I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
