The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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