so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
